Can't live without you
by Vampireheart85
Summary: Lochnan is dead. Maya is devastated, but she tries to focus on handling household, the kids, and college. Somehow she has to make it. But how will life change if she's forced to make a decision that will affect the life of all four of them forever?
1. Chapter 1

This is my second fanfiction. I hope you guys enjoy it. Please let me know whatt you think about it. Read, subscribe and leave a comment if you like it (or if you don't, please tell me why). Quick info before it starts: Im not a natively english speaker, so there might be some misspelling or things like that. I was trying to be perfect with the way I wrote this story, but - well, since no one really IS perfect...

Alrighty, lets get started, guys.

**Can't live without you**

**Prologue**

Maya is standing in the kitchen. She hears voices from the living room and turns her head. From a distance she sees Kit, Tiffin and Willa argue with each other. _It seems like no one is missing him_, she thought_..._

She catches herself thinking about him again. His dark hair, and the blue eyes – shy but always paying attention to the things that were going on around them. The way he tucked in his shirt before leaving the house in the morning to drop off the three younger ones at school. The way he smiled when he looked into her face. The way he hold her hand when they were alone. The way he used to kiss her – holding her face in his hands, his lips softly touching hers. And the way he would hold her body next to his – like they have been together for all their life, two souls who finally found each other. How she wished, that he could be here right now.

All of a sudden she realizes, that she's crying – again, like so many times since he is gone. Burried by the old church, in the cold ground where the two of them so often had taken walks in the midnight hours. She remembers the day of his funeral. How the kids had gathered around the coffin. Their Mom crying, holding on to Dave – it had surprised her to see those two there. Her Mom had left soon after that, never calling again. Never sending a note or something like that. All that came was the monthly check to pay the bills, but at least that was a thing Maya didn't need to worry about. It was hard enough for her to raise the three kids all by herself. She was only seventeen. Life had been easier when he had still been with them, helping her with everything that needed to be taken care of. He took over for her when she was tired in the evening, gave her strength to keep fighting for the five of them. He had hold her at night, and they had fallen asleep together so many times – arm in arm – like it would have always been like that._ Soulmates_, she thought. _That's what we were. The only thing is, that no one did understand – still can't understand – why we loved each other like this. _

And while she's standing in the kitchen, tears streaming down her face, she thinks about what could have been – would have been . If her mother – their mother wouldn't have seen them on that particular day_. Everything would still be the same, _she thought_. We could still be together, like a family, being Mom and Dad for the three little ones. Me and Lochnan – my lover, my soulmate. My brother._


	2. Chapter 2

**Helpless**

(Maya)

My alarm goes off like every morning. It is six am, Monday morning and I had a rough weekend. Kit was out all night yesterday and I don't know who he was with or what they did or where they went. All I know is, that I barely can manage it, to take care of the three of them.

I get up, stretch out, just like every morning. Before I leave my room, I take a look back at my bed. And - like usual – I expect Lochnan to be in there, covered by my blanket, smiling at me. But he's not. And he never will be…

It's been four weeks since he died. I say died, because I still can't believe that he took his own life. The police officer who found him said, that he ripped the blanket apart and turned into a rope. "And then he committed suicide. _"We found him hanging there"_ , he had told my Mom. _"Your son had a broken neck. It's most likely that he died immediately after jumping off. We don't think that he felt any pain."_

Mom started crying, and clutched against Dave. She didn't even look at Kit, Willa or Tiffin. And she did not look at me.

Soon after the funeral she moved back with Dave, leaving me and the three kids behind. She does not care about us. And she never asked anyone of us, how we felt after Lochie had died. I don't think that it occurred to her, that we had lost our oldest brother – and that I had lost the love of my life. All that mattered for her was Dave, not the kids.

Now I am responsible for everything around the house again: my siblings, the school, going to college myself and working part time while Kit babysits Willa and Tiffin. It is a hard life, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone out there.

I walk down the stairs and start fixing breakfast for Tiffin and Willa. Kit usually leaves the house without breakfast, so I gave up on feeding him in the morning – it is just less work to do and energy I have to waste. Kit just turned fourteen, he is a real pain in the ass right now, but if he thinks, that this is the way his life has to be, well let him have it… Tiffin and Willa are easier to handle: they listen and try to help me with the household chores. I am really grateful for that.

After preparing breakfast I head up to wake the kids and get them dressed. We sit silently and eat. Something that we haven't always done. Before Lochie died, it has been loud at this table. But ever since he's not with us anymore, it is really quiet. The silence is almost painful and I usually welcome it when Kit starts talking in the morning.

We leave the house and I take Willa and Tiffin to school. Kit meets today with some of his friends, and I have to have an eye on him, so I know he's not trying to skip school. It is something that I still do – watching out for him. And I don't think that this will ever change.

Today I don't have to go to college. They have some teacher-day – which is just fine with me. Because it means, that I can go and have some time for myself. I need to walk and think about some things. I need to think about last night. And I need to think about, what I want to – what I need to do. Because I don't think that I will be able to take the burden I'm carrying right now for very long.

I feel so helpless…


	3. Chapter 3

**The dream**

(Maya)

Last night I had a dream. I was walking down the path in the park. It was warm and sunny. It felt like summer. Looking down, I saw that I was wearing my favorite dress. I didn't wear it that often – usually I was sure that it would be too fancy. It was red, with red lace in the front, to cover the shoulders. And it had a long skirt, which had lace added on the bottom of it. It just seemed so overdressed to walk around in the park, wearing this. I had the feeling that everyone would be staring at me. But when I looked around, I saw, that the park was empty. Even though it was sunny, no one seemed to be there today. While wandering around, someone took my hand – and without looking who it was, I knew: it was Lochie.

So we walked down that path, walked across the meadow and into the woods. We sat down by the little hiding spot I used to visit when I was fed up by my family. I never looked to him, I was too afraid, that I might wake up. When I closed my eyes, I could feel his breath on my face. And then he kissed me – soft, warm, loving and caring. And while I kissed him back, I could feel the tears streaming down my face.

"_Don't cry, my love",_ he said and kissed the tears off of my face. _"You know that I will always be with you, Maya. I love you."_

There were so many things that I wanted to tell him in this moment. That I loved him, too. That I would always love him, no matter what would happen. That I would do everything to make this work. But instead I said nothing and he faded away – like a ghost. And I woke up. Tears in my eyes, crying, because I would never be able to tell him all those things. Never kiss him again, never touch him again. Never feel his breath on my face, or press my body against his at night.

I walked down Main Street right after I dropped off the kids. First I just walked, then I started running. Faster and faster I pushed myself. I ran down towards the church, passed it and pushed farther. I didn't realize where I was going until I found myself at the entrance of the park. I slowed down and finally came to a stop. Breathing heavily, I looked around. The park was empty, it was short after 8:30am and almost everyone was either at work or at school. I saw an old couple sitting on a bench next to the little lake. They didn't seem to notice me when I passed them.

I walked down the little path towards the middle of the park. Then I looked across the meadow. My meadow. It looked just like it had in my dream: flowers blooming in all colors, birds searching for some food. When I crossed it, I had the feeling that someone was looking at me. _"Don't be pathetic",_ I told myself. _"Everyone is in school, so just relax…"_

I stood in front of the little hide-out. It looked like last time I've been here. _Last_ _time Lochie went with me… _I thought. The last time I went here – we went here – everything was so full of possibilities. Everything was so full of life, of love. Everything was the way it always had been. The way it should always be – but never would be again.

All of a sudden my stomach started to hurt and I wrapped my arms around myself. It felt like I was falling apart. I sat down, staring at the meadow. My head swirled around and I closed my eyes. After a while I felt better and decided to lay down for a few minutes. The cold grass underneath me helped a little to calm down. I heard a strange noise, like sobbing and felt myself shaking violently. Then I realized that I was crying again. And this time I decided to just let it happen – to cry and get it all out.

"_Oh, Lochie! What have I done to us?", _I said, sobbing._ "I should have known, that Kit had something on his mind. That day he started acting like he was back to normal. I should have known that something was going on. I should have been better about making choices. What am I gonna do without you?"_


	4. Chapter 4

**Par le vouz francè?**

(Maya)

Two weeks later I decided it was time to start participating classes again. I wouldn't just sit around, like the last month, I would actually start to attend classes again – just like everybody else in class. When I first came in this morning, I felt weird. Looking around, I realized, that everything had changed since I'd been here first a couple of month ago. The hallways were already busy and filled with students, teacher were standing at the corners. Voices filled the air as I slowly made my way to the classroom. People didn't look at me, didn't seem to notice. I stumbled into one of the teachers and when she looked at me I just mumbled a quick _"Sorry Ma'am"._

I found myself staring out the window during first period, which I usually did. Only this time I was here in class – with my body and my mind. Something had changed inside my head and it scared me a little. I was afraid, that I would start to forget…

Miss Reynolds brought my thoughts back into the class when she started talking about some changes of the schedule. _"I noticed, that a lot of you, well almost everybody, took French lessons in High School. And most of you were pretty good. Well, this year we decided to have French classes instead of Spanish. Which you should welcome."_ , she looked around and a few heads nodded . _"The class will start next week , Monday, Wednesday and Friday during 3__rd__ and 4__th__ period. Books are to be purchased in the first class, they will arrive within two weeks."_

French… I haven't had good grades, but I decided, that it was time for me to learn something new. Maybe even something that kept my mind occupied, so it would be easier to get through the day. I found myself at the library during lunch break. Food wasn't necessary for me during school, and I wanted to have a look at the books we would use during classes. After I had found them I took two of them out to study a little… Everything seemed to be far away, but after a few pages I could already answer the easy questions and I was sure that I wouldn't fail class – at least not for the first few month.

While sitting there, looking like a nerdy schoolgirl, I didn't realize that someone was watching me. It startled me when she started talking to me. _"Par le vouz francè?",_ she asked. "_Who? Me?"_ , confused I looked up, straight into the face of a very young looking girl. "_Oui_", she smiled. "_Well, I'm not that good…"_, I tried to smile – it felt so unnatural to me. "_I'm Claire_", she said and sat down across from me. "_Uh, Maya. Nice to meet you_". I looked at her. "so, do you speak French, Maya?" "Just a little.", I said. "I took classes in High School, but I was not very good at it…"

The next couple of days we often talked during the lunch break, like we'd known each other for years. She told me, that her parents actually moved from France, a few of years ago, and that she had lived in England ever since. "I really miss Paris…", she said one day. "You know… England is pretty, too. But I miss visiting the Louvre and walking in the parks over there… And I used to go up the Eiffel-tower at least once a month…", she sounded sad. "I've never been to France.", I said. "Actually I've never seen anything – besides England."

"You should come with me", Claire said. "I'm planning on visiting Paris next spring. Maybe we could go together…" "I don't know…", I said. Immediately I thought of Kit, Willa and Tiffin. What would they do, if I went away for a week… Even if it would be for just four days… No, I couldn't see myself doing that right now. "I will think about it, ok?", I told Claire. The school bell rang to let us know that the break was over. "Merci for this wonderful conversation, Maya.", she said, like always. And then she smiled at me.

It was a good feeling to have a friend again. And even though she didn't know about my family and the whole thing that happened half a year ago, I felt good about our friendship. It was a strange feeling, but I welcomed it. _Lochie, my love_, I thought that night before I fell asleep, _Lochie, I finally found the strength to start living again. Merci, mon amour."_


End file.
